Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce Fuvwe Ziregbe, our guest writer. She is out guns blazing and taking no prisoners on the very endemic “marriage-or-nothing” syndrome that a lot of women suffer from. This whole mindset that you are nobody till somebody hooks you has got her riled up…and justifiably too. I have often wondered why many young ladies behave like they’re waiting for a man to “ask” before they can begin to live their lives. Also, those that got it made early behave like they’re special and the ones still “searching” must have something wrong with their DNA or something. They quickly forget the past and lord their new found Oga-Madam status over their single friends.
I’ll stop here. Let’s hear it from Fuvwe. I’m with her 100% on this one.
SAN
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I have decided to re-caption my topic “Insecurities of married women” and post “Petty things young married women do”, however this is not unrelated. First of all, I personally think marriage is a beautiful thing that every woman should experience but these days ladies go into marriage for the wrong reasons. I believe every single lady should know herself worth before going into marriage. Some go in due to societal pressures. They have bought the idea that marriage is the ultimate goal women can achieve, which I believe is sexist because men do not come under such pressures.
As a result many single ladies have been forced into spending their creative energies on that alone at the expense of developing themselves, at the end of the day they get in and find out it’s not utopia. This new army of newly married women (doesn’t apply to all) are beginning to get disillusioned because they feel trapped and short changed which leads to bottled frustration, progressive feeling of loss & insecurity and it manifests in a lot of ways-
*Showboating- It is a good thing to show off the dividends of marriage but when you see a lady going to great extents to display “STUFFS” that should be private ,it just might be ‘her’ trying to give herself reasons why she is still hooked.
*Pushing the marriage button at every opportunity- Making it a point of duty to constantly pester their unmarried friends with marriage matters. Subconsciously and indirectly, what they mean is: “I ‘m better than you because I am married and you are not, so all your fine achievements don’t count for much since you are unmarried…I still have the edge”. Psychology tells us that superiority complex is an affected form of inferiority complex. Single ladies do not be fazed by such antics. A woman with self earned achievement under her belt will not do such.
*Less attractiveness- A lot of women are scared their husband do not find them attractive anymore. Truth is, if you took out time to find the best match for you, that should not be much of a problem. Note: a man who loves you for your looks would always go with your looks. Security and self worth should come from within you.
*Social media suicide- Lastly, there is this strange condition of social media suicide as well as unannounced “un-friending” amongst some…an attempt to pass home the point that levels have changed perhaps. Given, some social adjustment is justifiable but these radical methods leaves our eyebrows raised. What was it about your single hood you would not want your man to know now?
Sincere advice; be yourself, don’t change yourself, there is a reason he picked you out of the crowd.-
As a result many single ladies have been forced into spending their creative energies on that alone at the expense of developing themselves, at the end of the day they get in and find out it’s not utopia. This new army of newly married women (doesn’t apply to all) are beginning to get disillusioned because they feel trapped and short changed which leads to bottled frustration, progressive feeling of loss & insecurity and it manifests in a lot of ways-
*Showboating- It is a good thing to show off the dividends of marriage but when you see a lady going to great extents to display “STUFFS” that should be private ,it just might be ‘her’ trying to give herself reasons why she is still hooked.
*Pushing the marriage button at every opportunity- Making it a point of duty to constantly pester their unmarried friends with marriage matters. Subconsciously and indirectly, what they mean is: “I ‘m better than you because I am married and you are not, so all your fine achievements don’t count for much since you are unmarried…I still have the edge”. Psychology tells us that superiority complex is an affected form of inferiority complex. Single ladies do not be fazed by such antics. A woman with self earned achievement under her belt will not do such.
*Less attractiveness- A lot of women are scared their husband do not find them attractive anymore. Truth is, if you took out time to find the best match for you, that should not be much of a problem. Note: a man who loves you for your looks would always go with your looks. Security and self worth should come from within you.
*Social media suicide- Lastly, there is this strange condition of social media suicide as well as unannounced “un-friending” amongst some…an attempt to pass home the point that levels have changed perhaps. Given, some social adjustment is justifiable but these radical methods leaves our eyebrows raised. What was it about your single hood you would not want your man to know now?
Sincere advice; be yourself, don’t change yourself, there is a reason he picked you out of the crowd.-
Fuvwe Ziregbe
Square Pegs and Round Holes 
October 20, 2013 at 12:43 am
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October 20, 2013 at 8:07 am
Nice 1, thanks an eye opener to many.
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October 21, 2013 at 7:54 am
hmmm,
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October 21, 2013 at 8:05 am
I like a lot. The part of that amazes me most is when your friend gets married and begins to avoid all her single friends, rarely picks your calls and keeps giving you then overused line ''am busy'' *sigh*
God dey
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October 21, 2013 at 9:27 pm
I typically do not wade into ladies’ married/single matters because my views are a geometric multiplier of the ones you have so well articulated in your post. One has to be careful not to come across as a misogynist or an extremist. But this is something that I see all the time and it just tears me up to see ladies settling for less (or nothing) and forgetting that they have a personal purpose beyond “tying wrapper” and tending home. There is a fine balance between “woman the home maker” and “woman the gatherer”…even in the Bible. People forget easily that the Proverbs 31 woman needed practice in being successful in an endeavor and building personal character before getting married. Remember: “A woman of valor, who can find, her worth is far more than jewels…She opens her hand to the needy”. Go read it well and understand that you should proceed immediately to making something of yourself after your studies and marriage will meet you halfway… And of course, you don’t always succeed, but you have to try.
And this whole craze of “you-are-nothing-if-you’re-not-married” is not only unfortunate but mostly propagated by women themselves. I had a discussion with a friend who believed that a woman’s sole purpose in life was just to find a man, get married and tend the home. So I asked her why she wasted 6 years of her life becoming an engineer. Why did she not just go to a “fattening room” in Calabar or study home economics in a vocational school and religiously show up at “Onwa December” until she was plucked up by a man? Isn’t this the same argument we make in the “child-not-bride” cultural war between us and a section of the country? I think this line from your post just takes the biscuit – “spending their creative energies in that alone at the expense of developing themselves”.
Marriage should not be seen as a form of self validation. It does not prove that you’re better than the next Janet, Voke or Bose. It is a union between two people who are ready, love and respect one another and come with diverse skills and experiences towards contributing to a successful life together. This is what can bring true and sustainable happiness in the long term.
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